 We're often taught to believe that children are fighting because they want our attention. Most often, they are fighting because they haven't learned yet how to negotiate needs effectively. We can teach them to collaboratively problem-solve through the steps of parent-led mediation with the acronym: TEACH ME:
Test Expectations--Establish Patterns--Anticipate Conflict--Choose to be Proactive--Help Kids as Needed--Mediate--& Enjoy the Process of learning about each other. Explore each of these steps in my book, Raising Mediators, based on child development research with children as young as three.
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What we believe about ourselves and others--especially our children--in conflict strongly influences how we try to resolve conflict. Suspending our disbelief may improve our success with conflict resolution processes.
Let's push back against our doubts and engage our creativity rather than trust in the past to predict the future. We are dynamic beings with limitless possibilities. Our children will become increasingly capable of living and applying the great things we are teaching them as we identify and reject ineffective beliefs about conflict resolution. To learn more about suspending your disbelief in conflict resolution, please visit my conflict fluent site for a new blog post. Recently, I interviewed with Lisa Valentine Clark of BYU Radio about the power of sibling relationships. Listen here for details of that interview that focused on both helping our children and improving our own sibling relationships.
 Recently, I have been struck by my own occasional awkwardness with trying to resolve private conflicts in public places. In this post, I am just beginning to explore this particular problem focused on private versus public conflict resolution. My thoughts are fluid and perhaps loosely tied up but please add in your comments to create a deeper conversation about the benefits and drawbacks of this common problem.
To illustrate this issue, I will share two separate experiences: (1) a particularly awkward couple dispute among some neighbors at a bus stop and (2) a personal conflict I had with a stranger during a routine shopping trip to Target. To begin, I will relate a short experience I had with some neighbors. A couple of years ago while waiting in the morning with a large group of neighborhood kids and parents at the elementary school bus stop, a couple began fighting with each other. As the couple verbally spared with each other loud enough for others to see and clearly hear, I felt squeamish and kind of embarrassed for them and all of us. While I understood their general feelings of frustration with each other, I winced knowing that the audience of other parents and lots of school children were uncomfortable witnessing a private dispute out in the open. At the time, I also believed that their public fighting would damage rather than improve their chances at resolving their personal issues with each other. Have you ever opened a truly private conflict in a public place? Do you remember the feelings that were involved once you realized that you had an audience to your private dispute? I certainly have made this mistake at different times of my life and largely regret trying to resolve private conflicts in public spaces. When looking back on these experiences, I realize that there were several reasons I knowingly or unknowingly participated in fighting or trying to resolve a conflict in public. Why do we try to resolve private conflicts in public?
During my Target experience with a volatile stranger, I was both surprised by a turn of events and witnessed how another party tried to leverage a public audience to gain support for her position. One day, while shopping at Target with my three young children, I decided to purchase slurpies for the kids because I did not want them to cry and cause a scene while shopping in the store. While not nutritionally sound, I had also purchased a Cherry slurpy for my youngest toddler-aged daughter, which she happily sipped while I shopped. My plan had worked brilliantly for keeping her busy until we arrived at the checkout stand. Before I could stop her, my little girl had removed the top of the slurpy and dropped the lid on the ground behind us. I didn’t think much of it until I realized that the lid had flicked up a few small splashes of red slurpy that landed on the white pants of a fifty-something year old woman behind us in line. I immediately apologized profusely to the woman who did not initially seem angry. However, she soon began criticizing my parenting and telling me that I needed to keep better control of my kids. I tried to apologize and then pay for my purchases but when I looked up again the white-pants lady had come all the way around the cashier to confront me and bar my exit from the store. She stood with her hands on her hips and demanded that I pay her $30 to replace her new white pants. When I suggested that she get them dry cleaned or use a stain remover, she only grew firmer and more belligerent. Nearly 10 people, including the Target store clerk, stood silently around me as I faced this furious woman. No one dared stand up to her but she used that silence to her advantage to maintain her position of power as I cowered by the checkout with my three young children. Not knowing what else to do, I rifled through my purse and handed her $30 in cash. With MY money in her hand, she finally removed herself from my presence to allow me and my three children to leave the store. Once I had quietly exited the store and sat down in my car, I was shaking and felt like I had just been robbed. Certainly, there were drops of red slurpy on her pants, but did this small conflict demand such as public scene? In retrospect, I wished that the clerk had called the store manager (or that I had asked her to call the manager) so that the white-pants lady and I could have worked out an equitable solution to our private conflict without what felt like a Western shoot-out scene. When looking back on both of these experiences, I realized that neither my neighbors nor I had a plan for how we would handle our private conflicts publicly. In disasters, I have heard that the people who are able to survive, act, and help others, have envisioned in their minds beforehand what they will do when disaster strikes rather than never spending any time thinking about it. In terms of conflict resolution, what if we each assumed that we might have conflicts with each other and developed individual, family, or even work plans for how to handle conflicts when they occur? In short, rather than assuming that we will never get mad or disagree, what if we assumed the possibility and moved into constructive action in public when conflict occurred rather than being immobilized with fear, anger, or a desire to gather others to support our side? Even with the stranger at Target, I can now anticipate (but not panic) about the possibilities for conflict resolution and draw from a variety of tools for handling private matters in public places. Before we look at those options, let’s first consider which conflicts should be resolved in public spaces. What conflicts should be resolved in the public sphere? Certain conflicts necessarily reflect public issues that involve many different parties, opinions, and societal processes. When conflict involves many people, the public or society needs to weigh in to make sure there is due process of law through legitimate processes. Issues of law, environment, health, safety, and other human rights demand public attention and participation. While this post focuses on the problem of trying to resolve private disputes in public spaces, there are many public conflicts that should remain necessarily in the public sphere for a variety of reasons. What are the benefits of public conflict resolution?
So, despite the necessity and appropriateness of resolving many public concerns in public spheres, there are good reasons for keeping certain conflict resolution processes private. Why keep certain conflict resolution processes private? Just in terms of large numbers of peoples and opinions, involving too many people in conflict resolution may limit our ability to reach a decision. Even in a large family like mine, when we ask the kids where they’d like to go for dinner it turns into a big dispute when we’re just trying to buy dinner. Sometimes, my husband and I just make executive decisions in private about small matters that don’t necessitate a democratic process (or brawl). While inquiring minds want to know, see, and understand every process in the public sphere, certain conflicts, even large political conflicts, usually relate back to interpersonal relationships among public representatives that need time, space, and confidentiality to be worked through. You may recall that even with the Camp David talks that led to the Camp David Accords between American and Middle Eastern leaders in the 1970’s. During private time at Camp David in Maryland, world leaders met in an intimate setting without public constraints. In this private setting, high profile leaders could reach understandings that were informed by the public but remained based in interpersonal relationships where much of the real conflict resolution action takes place. Finally, there are many situations which demand privacy/confidentiality that allows for greatly expedited and enhanced conflict resolution. Consider the settings for marriage counseling, working with a personal coach, meeting with HR in a corporate setting, hiring a mediator before filing a court case, or even visiting with one child during a separate outing to discuss what’s working or not working in sibling relationships. Each of these settings demand a real sense of confidentiality and trust that is grounded in fewer rather than larger audiences. What should we do when we feel the need to resolve conflict in public situations? We all recognize the gut feelings of discomfort when we try to resolve private matters in public, and we know that we may not always get it right. In fact, we’re going to occasionally be surprised with confrontation by the white-pants lady at Target or the splash of slurpy on our own pants. We will encounter private conflict situations in public situations with those we know and with strangers that signal a need for an effective response. By differentiating our public and private conflict resolution needs, we can begin making changes that will lead to more harmony both in our private and public lives. In particular, there are a few things we can do to be better prepared for dealing with private conflicts that may erupt in public situations.
These are just a few of my thoughts as we approach the hustle and bustle of the holidays with overlapping private and public interactions. Make sure that you are actively choosing how to respond to the conflicts in your life rather than just reacting to whatever happens to you in a given situation. You may even want to ask for time to think in a public situation, so you don’t behave in a way that you will regret.  Many of our children’s conflicts appear to come out of the blue but certain conflicts are almost inevitable given our children’s ages and development skills. Many of our children’s regularly occurring conflicts reflect specific child development issues that are common among children everywhere.
For example, last week, as my eleven-year-old son and I waited for our allergy shots at the nearby medical clinic, we couldn’t help but notice how two young mothers were struggling to manage the strong emotions and behavior of their collective group of five young children. When we first arrived, there was already one little girl-- who appeared to be about three years old—crying and screaming on the clinic floor while the mothers tried to subtly force her into good behavior with either quiet threats or bribes. The little girl was fairly unresponsive until she got to follow her mother into the doctor’s appointment. Following our appointments, my son and I happened to be leaving the clinic at the same time as the whirling group of kids and moms. As we approached the group, we encountered this same girl screaming and pounding her fists on the ground just outside the elevator doors. Before I heard exactly what she was screaming, I turned to my son and said, “I bet she didn’t get to push the elevator button.” Just as we came up to the girl close enough to hear her words, she yelled out, “He got to push the magic button!” As I had expected, her littler brother had pushed the elevator button before she had had the chance. She was obviously furious that her brother had stolen her chance to push the magic elevator button. What Conflicts Can I Potentially Anticipate? After having mothered five preschoolers who often competed with each other to push elevator buttons, I knew what to expect from the little girl at the allergy clinic. For her age and experience, pushing elevator buttons is exciting, and even magical, as she said herself. While my children have moved beyond the desire to be the first to push the elevator buttons, there are other conflicts that naturally arise among my 8 to 14 year-old-children, like who gets to use the Chromebook first, or who gets the last of the “good” kind of ice cream left in the freezer. These are every day, recurring conflicts that I can choose to manage in the moment or anticipate beforehand and plan for by developing family rules and norms around certain conflict “hot buttons.” How to Anticipate Certain Common Conflicts Among our Children As parents, we are much more effective in anticipating and preparing our children for certain potential conflict situations when we understand the developmental constraints and advantages of our children in certain age groups. In terms of early childhood conflict resolution potential, we benefit from understanding the following child development basics for the general child groupings of preschoolers (3-5) and school-aged children (6-12). In this section, I rely heavily upon the research of Dr. Sandra V. Sandy in her article: Sandy, Sandra V. 2014. “The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills: Preschool to Adulthood.” In Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice, edited by Coleman, Peter T., Morton Deutsch, and Eric C. Marcus, 430-463. San Francisco: John Wiley and Sons, Inc. Preschoolers
School-aged Children
In addition to understanding child development basics for the average child, we benefit from then focusing on the specific conflict hot buttons and behavior of our individual children. Studying Out Your Own Child/Children Taking lessons from the powerful book The Explosive Child written by Dr. Ross W. Greene, I have gradually developed the habit of coupling my knowledge of child development milestones with personally studying my own children’s conflict behavior. While some conflict hot buttons are common to many children in certain age groups, I have also found it very helpful to do a mini research study of my own child who may be struggling. If I take two to three days to write down every time there is a conflict, I begin to notice patterns. Rather than continuing to believe that my children are conflicting about everything all the time, I begin to notice that an individual child’s conflicts usually center around two to three main topics. By doing the research to identify the two to three recurring conflict topics, I’ve created an opportunity for collaboration with my kids about rules, values, and guidelines in our home. Rather than hope the kids will somehow grow out of their particular conflicts (which they sometimes do over time), I take a proactive approach to developing plans with that specific child. How to Prepare for Anticipated Conflicts While Dr. Ross Greene goes into the specifics of making conflict resolution plans with our children about how to improve their behavior in certain hot button situations, the basic idea is simple: Rather than try to create a plan for our child during the specific conflict episode, we allow for our children’s feelings to de-escalate. Once our children’s feelings are calm and they are able to consider alternatives (usually at a later time), we brainstorm and talk with our child about different approaches. We want to tap into our children’s growing need for independence by putting them in the position to make plans about how they can more constructively react in certain conflict situations. Even when a conflict has already passed, research has demonstrated the benefit of even reviewing past conflicts and figuring out how we could have behaved more effectively. This goes for both children AND adults! While we can forgive, we may benefit more by not fully forgetting a past conflict but reviewing our past conflicts as the stepping stone for improving. What if They Don’t React How I Expect? Even when children may understand a rule or principle, they may not always have the capacity to live what we teach them. Like the young child learning to crawl, then cruise, then finally walk on their own, they will fail many times while trying to improve. Oftentimes with conflict resolution skills, we are impatient with kids because we know that they hear our words and understand the rules. However, they are not always able to translate that intellectual understanding into constructive behavior consistently. It takes time (and developmental growth) to master conflict resolution skills. While we will talk more creating family rules and adjusting family rules to accommodate individual needs, generally, we do better when we are proactively seeking to teach and guide our children rather than ignore their ineffective behavior. Rigorous child development research has demonstrated the power of parents actively teaching effective principles in ways catered to their children’s developmental capacity rather ignoring bad behavior and hoping that their child will somehow socialize without deliberate teaching and instruction. If these thoughts strike a chord with your parenting philosophy and approach, I invite you to consider reading my book: Raising Mediators: How Smart Parents Use Mediation to Transform Sibling Conflict and Empower Their Children, which goes into these principles and ideas in greater depth.  Have you ever said any of the following to someone who’s angry?
“Calm down!” “Take it easy.” “You’re overreacting.” “Hey, don’t take things so seriously.” “This is not a big deal.” Generally, these types of statements do not help angry people de-escalate their anger. On the contrary, these kinds of statements may actually make people angrier. When we judge and treat someone else’s anger as trivial and refuse to empathize with the angry person, no one wins; the anger remains as does the unmet need, which sparked the anger in the first place. Linking Anger with Unmet Needs From a nonviolent communications perspective, our anger reflects our unmet needs. While in a previous post, I outlined how to manage our own anger, in this post, I will focus on presenting steps from nonviolent communication that we can apply to helping others manage their own anger. We offer our help to others who are angry in order to experience more peace both individually and collectively. While working with angry social groups in the 1960’s, the late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg first developed the principles of nonviolent communication, which address how to help others work through their own anger. Rather than judge the validity of another’s anger, Rosenberg suggests that we focus on empathically receiving what the other person is experiencing so they can discover themselves what unmet needs have sparked their anger. Managing Fight or Flight Instincts Before we review the four specific nonviolent communication steps of helping others manage their anger, we must first address and understand our natural fight or flight instincts when dealing with anger. Through the following personal experience, I will illustrate how I countered my natural fight or flight tendencies when dealing with an angry person. We have very real choices to make in helping others de-escalate and work through their anger in safe environments. Several years ago, when employed as a manager at a small apartment complex in Northern California, I had to serve a tenant a nasty-gram from the management. While I can’t remember the details of the fine or rebuke from management to the tenant, I clearly remember my encounter with the furious tenant after she had received the negative letter. Shortly after delivering the letter, I found myself opening my screen door to listen to the angry tenant spew forth a tirade of blame and accusations focused on me although I was merely management’s representative. As she drove into me with fierce words and an aggressive tone of voice, I could literally feel the wave of her hostility enter into my body. In this case, I had to counteract my desire to flee because I had an official post to fill as the apartment manager in residence. As she vented great frustration, I braced myself physically and emotionally against the sides of my front door and decided to begin listening and asking questions to paraphrase her concerns. As I reflected back her concerns while filtering out her blaming and accusing, she began to slowly relax both her tone and demeanor. Her face mellowed into natural patterns of peace, as did her vocal pitch lessen in strain and tenor as I tried to receive what she had to say without judging her. After emphatically listening to her frustration and translating her venting into actual unmet needs, we started to communicate as co-humans rather than as enemies to be annihilated. Gradually, I felt the tension release as she recognized the steps she needed to take to speak directly with management about issues unrelated to our relationship with each other at the complex. At that time, I had not been trained in nonviolent communication principles for managing anger but had experimented and arrived at the same conclusion: while I desired to run away from angry people, I could help angry people find their true needs through structured listening and reframing. This experience cemented my desire to expand my tool set, so I could manage facing others’ anger with a constructive plan. Without a plan, it is only natural that when we encounter an angry person our natural tendencies of fight or flight kick in. Neurologically speaking, we are wired to “survive” once we encounter ourselves or another in this primal mode of anger. To counter the wave of survival instincts that kick in, we can learn to stay quiet and not make any sudden move to blame or accuse another person when others are angry and still reasonably nonthreatening. When I opened my front door to find the angry tenant ready to chew me out, I strongly desired to dismiss her and shut the door. Yet, I did not follow my instinct because I had a duty to carry out as the official apartment manager. We do not always have official duties to carry out, but our willingness to counter fight or flight instincts in situations will benefit our closest relationships where reasonable displays of anger are involved. In safe situations, we can learn to counter our normal fight or flight tendencies to empathetically help others through their anger. Warning: There are Natural Dangers When People Are Angry However, there is good reason that our fight or flight tendencies kick in when others are unreasonably angry, and we are scared. We can be in very real situations of physical, emotional, or other psychological danger when others get angry. So, in sharing these nonviolent principles of helping others through their anger, I am not suggesting that we stick around with angry individuals who can and will hurt us. As conflict theorists, Hocker and Wilmot explain in their textbook: Interpersonal Conflict, “Verbal abuse leads to escalation or withdrawal, hinders conflict resolution, and lowers the dignity and self-esteem of all parties…When another’s expression of anger, rage, or contempt burns out of control, you have a responsibility to protect yourself.” They also suggest that “Listening to belittling; hostile blame; ridicule; demeaning or untrue accusations; sarcastic name-calling; contempt; or actual physical threats is not good conflict management. The other person should be told, firmly and consistently, “I don’t listen to this kind of talk. I can’t hear anything important you’re trying to say when you’re demeaning me.” When threatened with verbal abuse, we should follow our instincts to protect ourselves. Please follow this link to find both verbal and non-verbal techniques to help defuse others’ anger and interact with an agitated person who may exhibit threatening behavior: http://www.resi-con.com/articles/de-escalation-techniques.html. When possible, we should try to stop the verbal abuse and find safety as soon as possible. When to Intervene When Someone is Angry Setting the truly dangerous cases of anger aside, we may encounter situations with both strangers, acquaintances, and loved ones that do not necessitate our escape from the situation. Instead, we need to empathically engage with angry others without expressing blame or criticism. There are very clear and tangible steps we can take to help others manage reasonably unconstructive patterns of expressing anger. The Four Steps for Helping Others Manage Their Anger In nonviolent communication, to help others work through their anger, we focus on the following four steps to uncover unmet needs:
First, we help solidify what the other has observed or experienced related to the anger While, most likely you will verbally express what you heard the other person observe, you may remain quiet during this phase if mere listening is required to be empathetic. “When you read the letter from management, you…. “When you received the phone call from your boss…” “When you turned on the news and heard…" We’re trying to help the angry person pinpoint what observation stimulated the feelings of anger (and an unmet need) that they are currently experiencing. Second, we help the other identify their personal feelings. In this second step, we link the person’s expressed observation with a particular feeling that may be much more specific than just “it sounds like you were angry.” Without wasting energy on blaming or accusing the other person, we help the other person express their own personal feelings. We help them share specific, accurate personal feelings like “I feel overwhelmed” or “I am confused or surprised.” As the listener, we may incorrectly identify the angry person’s main feelings. But, we can gently accept any corrections made to our guesses about the feelings that the angry person may be experiencing. For example, when I encountered the angry tenant, I said something to the effect of: “It sounds like you were really surprised to receive a letter about this problem instead of just a phone call or a drop by visit.” During this part of the conversation, I remember the tenant responding in a strong, angry voice with something to this effect: “I wasn’t just surprised. I’m furious that management would send a letter instead of just calling me to talk over the issue.” The tenant’s comment demanded a further restatement of the observation and the feeling: “It sounds like you are really angry that management chose to send an official letter instead of just reaching out to you by phone to talk over the matter?” Once, I correctly identified the tenant’s main feelings and the source of her feelings, I could seek confirmation by asking follow-up questions like: “Did I get that right?” or “Is that how you felt?” The more intense the feelings, the more peeling back of emotions and even more observations we may need to reflect back to help the angry person. Usually we know that we’ve identified their core feelings when some tension has been tangibly released or if there is silence with no more to say on the subject. But, we have still two more steps to go with understanding the person’s specific needs and helping the person identify ways to meet their unmet needs. Third, we help the other connect their feelings with a specific need In search of unmet needs, we now help the other person to connect their expressed observations and feelings with their underlying needs. At this point, as the listener, I may also help move the conversation along by sharing my own personal feelings and empathy so that the angry person doesn’t feel judged or blamed when we’re talking through difficult thoughts and emotions. Naturally, we may all feel vulnerable when revealing our core needs. Empathizing with the subject of our anger may sound like an unreasonable expectation in the moment. Certainly, we may not be fully capable yet of full empathy in our minds and hearts, but we can imitate constructive behavior as a start. When I braced myself at my front door while the tenant verbally assaulted me, I had to consciously choose an appropriate tone of voice and non-threatening body language to begin the work of uncovering her unmet needs. In this third step, we may simply ask questions like: “What do you think you were needing when you received the letter instead of the phone call? If the other person is stumped and unable to identify a need, we may need to gently suggest possibilities. In this case with the tenant, I could have suggested the following: “Were you needing a phone call because you wanted to feel more respect?” or “Would a phone call have been lower key and met your need to be treated on more friendly terms?” There are many different ways to turn a phrase, but identifying the need is key to managing the anger. Once we have confirmed which unmet need is feeding the person’s anger, we can turn to seeking means to fulfilling the unmet need(s). Fourth, we suggest what might help fulfill an identified unmet need During this phase, we can help the person brainstorm by asking good follow up questions to paraphrase and seek understanding from the person about different possible solutions. Suggesting a means for fulfilling an identified need may have been as simple as my asking the angry tenant: “Would you like to talk directly with management about the letter?” or “Would you like me to schedule a time for you to talk with management about the issue?” We may simply need to brainstorm together possible solutions with questions like: “What do you think would meet your need?” or “What possibilities would you consider for meeting your need(s)?” Given the diversity of needs we each have, no one question will fit each situation, but we can keep things simple by asking questions. Sometimes, there is no immediate way to satisfy the need, but we can empathize with the other person’s desires to have their needs met. As I mentioned in my last post, these steps to helping others manage their anger through nonviolent communication processes take time and effort to apply in our daily lives. Yet they are worth our greatest efforts both at home, in the community, and across our country. As we help address other’s unmet needs in an empathetic and sincere way, we are being peacemakers. We literally take the time to help others understand the peace they seek, but do not know how to find on their own. As we connect with who we really are and what we each need, we will find that we are much more alike than we are different. Accessing that common humanity may curb the appeal of turning outward to blame others rather than looking inward to identify and to fulfill our universal needs for connection, belonging, and harmony.  Understanding the Influence of Parent Beliefs on Constructive Conflict Resolution
Two kids are rolling around in the snow throwing snow in each other's faces then one child begins to cry. There is yelling down in the basement among two of your own kids and two kids from the neighborhood. Your youngest daughter is crying from the back bedroom while you’re cooking dinner. You hear fighting from the trampoline out back. Even before you’ve entered a conflict situation like these with your kids, you have probably already started making assumptions about what’s happened and which child is to blame. Naturally, our minds turn to understanding who the victims and perpetrators are, and how to deal with the child who started the fighting, screaming, or yelling. While it’s natural for us to begin sorting through, and either ignoring or intervening in our children’s conflicts, we behave very differently when we assume guilt before entering sibling conflict. This post’s parenting research demonstrates that when we assume guilt, we are much less likely to discuss and support our children’s sharing of perspectives and emotions with each other. Yet, when we are unsure of who’s at fault, we are much more likely to support our children in understanding each other. In this post, we will focus on how we, as parents, respond to sibling conflict. Do we behave differently when we assume one child is at fault or if we are unsure who we should blame? We will explore Recchia, Wainryb, and Howe’s 2013 article, “Two Sides to Every Story?: Parents’ Attributions of Culpability and Their Interventions into Sibling Conflict” to see what parenting tendencies can help guide us in teaching our children constructive conflict resolution skills. Recchia, Holly E., Cecilia Wainryb, and Nina Howe. 2013. “Two Sides to Every Story?: Parents’ Attributions of Culpability and Their Interventions into Sibling Conflict.” Merrill-Palmer Quarterly 59, no. 1 (January): 1-22. Summary of the Research Study This study involved 61 sibling pairs of Caucasian, Canadian children from 4-10 years old and their primary caregivers (53 mothers, 7 fathers, and 1 legal guardian). Through private and joint interviews, researchers gathered information about how parents judged who was at fault for a given sibling conflict, and how parents chose to intervene based on those judgments of guilt, innocence, or unclear blame. This study showed that parents’ beliefs about which children are at fault in sibling conflict are linked to specific parenting choices with older and younger siblings. Researchers uncovered that when parents are unsure about which child is at fault in sibling conflict, they tend to intervene in more constructive ways to help children understand each other. How Do Parents Typically Respond to Sibling Conflict? With the average preschooler conflicting about eight times per hour with a sibling, parents deal with a lot of regular, everyday conflict. Given the frequency of sibling conflict, researchers have found that parents are three times more likely to ignore sibling conflict than to get involved in helping kids settle their conflicts. Yet, when parents do get involved, they usually intervene as judges, determining who’s at fault and what punishments are deserved. Generally, parents tend to believe that there is one clear victim in sibling conflict. When parents intervene in sibling conflict, they tend to “address the child who violated a rule by supporting the victim, and they consistently uphold particular moral principles, such as condemning harm or failure to share (quoted from Ross et al, 1994, 1996).” In short, we tend to judge who is innocent and who is guilty based on our specific rules and principles. Yet, when we do intervene, we tend to balance the power between our children. We try to make sure our younger children’s views are represented, but we do not usually do this to overpower the older sibling. Drs. Recchia, Wainryb, and Howe’s research suggests that: “Even though parents tended to favor their older children’s view more often, they were also almost twice as likely to elaborate on their younger child’s perspective (18).” In addition, this research suggests that “When parents become involved [in sibling conflict], resolutions may ultimately be more equitable because parents are able to level the playing field by [representing] the younger sibling’s perspective (18).” On the flip side, when we choose to ignore our children’s conflicts, our children often do not resolve their conflicts effectively with each other. We will briefly look at what happens when we ignore sibling conflict and what variables motivate us to get involved in sibling conflict. What Usually Happens When Children Try to Resolve Conflicts with Siblings on Their Own?
What Motivates Parent Involvement in Sibling Conflict? While we each have unique relationships with our children, we are highly influenced by certain social factors when deciding (1) whether to intervene and (2) how to intervene in our children’s conflicts.
Why Does It Matter How We Intervene in our Children’s Conflicts? For preschoolers through 12-year-olds, research shows that our children benefit from parents intervening in their more intense, recurring conflicts with siblings. But, the type of parenting beliefs and actual strategies we use matter a lot. Recchia, Wainryb, and Howe have said that: “Research suggests that parenting strategies in sibling conflict that support children’s understanding of their brother’s or sister’s perspective may be particularly effective for strengthening our children’s understanding of each other and lead to more constructive conflict resolution (p. 4). Understanding these natural parenting tendencies in sibling conflict, Recchia, Wainryb, and Howe looked at what additional factors, such as assumption of guilt or innocence, influence our choices as parents. In short, when are we more likely to help our children listen to, empathize, and problem solve with each other? Who do Parents Usually Blame for Sibling Conflict? To help us understand our own personal parenting tendencies, we first review what Recchia, Wainryb, and Howe have gathered about parents general blaming tendencies in their study group:
From these general tendencies, we then look at how our beliefs about our children’s guilt, innocence, or unclear blame influence our parenting strategies. How do we behave with sibling conflict when we assume the guilt of one child?
How do parents behave with sibling conflict when we are unsure which child is at fault?
When are we most likely to use parenting techniques that help siblings understand each other better? Recchia, Wainryb, and Howe’s research reveals that, as parents, we are more likely to intervene with positive patterns like asking questions and helping our children listen to teach other when we are unsure of which child is a fault. This lack of clarity about who’s to blame is associated with more listening, more talking, and more sharing of emotion. The research suggests that our beliefs about our children’s actions directly influence how we parent when our children are fighting with each other. We tend to interact much more constructively when we assume that there are multiple ways of seeing what happened in our children’s conflicts. If we can withhold judgment about who’s at fault, we are more likely to help our children discuss feelings, empathize with each other, and problem solve as equals. In short, these small (and large) differences in how we think about and approach our children’s conflicts with each other make a big difference in how our children learn to successfully handle conflict. As parents, we can stop, take a breath, and hold back our initial assumptions to help our children learn to share their thoughts and feelings to resolve conflict more effectively with each other. Eventually, our children will be solving their conflicts on their own; they will need these perspective taking, empathizing, and problem solving skills that come with more listening and more sharing with their siblings, especially in conflict.  A foosball table. It sounded like such a fun gift for my kids—especially my 8, 10 and 11-year-old boys. I could imagine all the fun they would have playing together until did actually play together during winter break. Rather than laughing and having fun, I heard weeping and wailing from whichever son had lost the most recent game.
After several episodes of upset, tears, and thrashing about, I wondered whether I should just give the foosball table away. Yet, rather than just avoiding all the competition, I made myself do a little research. After talking to several parents and kids in and outside of our family, I heard the same thing repeatedly: “People need to learn how to deal with these feelings of competition and conflict.” Everyone seemed to be saying that it’s natural to struggle with it, but still necessary to learn how to deal with these feelings. Recently, I walked downstairs to the basement to find two of my boys finishing up a foosball game without too much angst. Tied with each other at 9 to 9, I could tell that each boy hoped to beat the other with just one more goal to reach the maximum of 10 on the built-in scoreboard. As the younger brother beat the older brother, my older son expressed a momentary burst of rage, but his enraged feelings soon dissipated as we briefly talked things through. Later, as I privately discussed the foosball scenario with my younger son who had won the game, he said, “I actually get scared to win because of the reaction I’ll get from [my brother].” I told him not to shy away from winning, but that it takes a big man to learn how to lose well. We had a good laugh after I said how people need to learn how to lose well, but it’s true, isn’t it? To teach our children how to successfully navigate all kinds of personal and social conflict situations, we will focus on the main developmental possibilities for children aged children 6-12 years old that relate to constructive conflict management. To better understand what and how to teach our children in this age range, we continue investigating insights from Dr. Sandra V. Sandy's article entitled, “The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills: Preschool to Adulthood.” Sandy, Sandra V. 2014. “The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills: Preschool to Adulthood.” In Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice, edited by Coleman, Peter T., Morton Deutsch, and Eric C. Marcus, 430-463. San Francisco: John Wiley and Sons, Inc. Shifts from Parent-Centered to Peer-Centered During Middle Childhood (6-12) Years During the middle childhood years, our children spend a lot less time with us and much more time with friends and classmates. This shift demands that our children combine their family-based identities with the school and activity-based identities they are developing outside of the home. As parents, we deal with a lot of change ourselves as our daily influence lessens or competes with our children’s friends and classmates. Rather than force our children to obey our demands, as parents, we might try to appeal to our children’s desire to cooperate. Instead of "Do the dishes because I asked you to, " think of saying, "We all have work to do at home. Please do your part so we can all get the kitchen clean." It helps to remember that our children now have many more competing voices and values beyond the home. To understand and internalize the “rules” or our family values, they are going to need structure, but also respect for their growing independence and autonomy needs. As our kids move into this new stage of development, we can really help our children grow socially and emotionally by respecting their expanding need for independence. Effective parents tend to focus more on discussion and explanation of cause and effect patterns (i.e., "when you yell at me, I tend to want to yell back") to help children understand and improve their behavior and strengthen their internal values and sense of morality. Central Tasks for Social Learning Among Children Ages 6 to 12 Years Old From 6 to 12 years old, our kids are learning to master social rules, which naturally involves conflict management. As our children move away from the imaginary play of the preschool years, they have more opportunities to learn negotiation, how to settle disagreements, and how to make and enforce rules with their peers. Our children’s conflict resolution skills build and spiral upon each other, remaining heavily influenced by our positive examples and direct instruction. While friends and classmates take on greater influence, parents play a very important role in creating experiences for children to learn how to manage conflict effectively. Specifically, Sandy says that, “although children appear to have some level of innate capacity for certain social-emotional responses, such as empathy and perspective taking, these are frequently hit-or-miss skills unless the child is effectively tutored by an adult. As parents, we still have significant opportunities to help our children build positive conflict resolution skills that directly influence social and academic success. Common Tendencies Among 6 to 12 Year Olds
Social and Emotional Development Milestones for Effective Conflict Resolution While we should definitely continue helping our children develop emotional understanding, perspective taking, empathy, and self-control skills during middle childhood, Sandy suggests that we also focus on helping our children in the following four areas:
We will now explore each of these four areas highlighting Sandy’s most important points. Creating a Self-Concept with a Positive Belief About Motivation Sandy shares that “The sense of self acquired in early childhood must be further developed or revised to fit a new context in middle childhood” due to new social contexts focused much more on peer interactions.” Naturally, as our children mature during the elementary and middle school years, they will need to adapt their home-based identities with the roles they play at school and beyond. From their earliest days, our children are beliefs about their abilities, which heavily influence their personal social, academic, and emotional development and choices. Some children are taught and believe that their talents and abilities are fixed, while others believe that they can change and develop themselves further through factors like effort and persistence. Children who believe that they can influence personal outcomes through effort will likely keep trying even when they have experienced failures or setbacks in trying to accomplish a goal. "So what if I didn't score a goal this season; I'm going to keep practicing throughout the summer so I can come back a better player." As parents, we play important roles in helping children develop positive beliefs about their abilities to learn and grow. Our children usually develop their core beliefs about developing their abilities through direct and indirect instruction from us:
Confirming these ideas, Sandy says, “A parent who explains the child’s behavior by [seeming] fixed characteristics such as genes, ability, or temperament rather than [adjustable] characteristics such as knowledge, effort, or mood often stimulates the child to use similar explanations (p.449).” We are also in excellent positions to adjust difficult social circumstances that may be preventing our children from developing positive ideas and beliefs about their abilities. We should carefully consider how we can help our children who may be struggling to develop a positive belief in themselves. Developing Positive Self-Esteem Sandy defines self-esteem as a child’s “ability to control her own future by controlling herself and her environment (p. 450).” With increased time away from parents, our children may start focusing much more on gaining social acceptance from their friends and classmates. Our kids may become painfully aware of their lower social status among their peers. This new social awareness often leads to social comparison that can hammer a child's self-esteem. Think, "Jack's terrible at soccer. Try not to pick him until the very end." These comparisons and difficulties often happen away from home without adults being directly involved. Yet, while peers play an important role in shaping our children's self-esteem, parents who parent authoritatively (i.e., close, affectionate relationship, but with clearly defined limits) tend to have children with higher self-esteem overall. Children with positive friendships and well-developed group entry skills tend to also have higher self-esteem. We can help children develop self-esteem from several different angles both at home, school. and out in the community. Building Strong Social Relationships Towards the end of this development stage, around 10 to 11, our children begin depending more on friends to define what is right and wrong. At this later stage, our children are more able to focus on maintaining harmony in their relationships rather than just seeking their own self-interest. Friendships become more central to their social lives rather than just maintaining strong family relationships. Focusing on Cooperation Rather than Competing (with Peers and Adults) Sandy defines cooperation as “the ability to work towards a common goal while coordinating one’s own feelings and perspective with another’s (p. 451).” Many of our children's activities both in and out of school focus on pitting one child or team against another. For our children who struggle to fit into the group and build positive friendships, they may need us to help create cooperative rather than competitive activities with others. Generally, our children begin focusing on issues of fairness and develop a belief in strict equality. Due to this focus on equality or fairness, they may struggle to understand giving more than a “fair” share to another person who "doesn't deserve it." In short, children tend to see justice more as an exchange system (i.e., “you worked half as hard as Jack, so you should only get half as much money”). Our children want conflicts to be settled fairly, but tend to believe that conflicts are generated from one guilty party and should be resolved by that same guilty party. To help out children see beyond their own perspectives, we can create dialogue among our conflicting children. We can help them unravel their conflicts by facilitating perspective taking, emotional understanding, and empathy, which skills maintain equal or even greater importance during the middle childhood years. Without significant adult supervision, our children will naturally need more sophisticated conflict resolution skills to work through conflicts with their friends and acquaintances independently. Concluding Thoughts Finally, we should remind ourselves about key areas of child development regarding self-control. While usually considerably more mature than preschoolers, children from ages 6 to 12 are still learning how to regulate their thoughts, emotions, and behavior, usually without direct adult supervision. This regular lack of adult supervision suggests that children must learn to master the “rules” of social norms under new conditions that may be challenging. While Sandy focuses on self-control milestones during her preschool section, the four self-control milestones she mentions remain critical to effective conflict resolution among our 6 to 12 year-old-children. Movement: Prior to age six or seven, children have difficulty in stopping an action already in progress. (Think calling a child to dinner during a favorite show on Netflix). Emotions: Before age four, young children have little control over the intensity of their emotions. (Think throwing a tantrum over burnt toast in the same manner as when the dog just died yesterday). Reflection: Before age six or so, children commonly fail to engage in the reflection necessary to perform well. (Think a negative sharing episode or a failed first bike ride). Gratification: Children under 12 often have difficulty in refusing immediate gratification to wait for a better choice later. (Think gorging on Halloween candy all at once rather than eating just one piece a day). While our 6 to 12-year-old children have grown significantly and are quite self-sufficient in many areas, we may need to remind ourselves that our children may not yet have reached important developmental milestones. As a consequence, we may need to take much smaller steps towards the larger goal children independently resolving conflict in positive ways. On our part, we should remember that that these social, emotional, and cognitive skills are often more influenced by experience rather than age. As parents, we can step up and coach our children in these conflict resolution development pillars: creating a self-concept with a positive belief about motivation, developing positive self-esteem, building strong social relationships, and focusing on cooperation rather than competition. Through consistent and thoughtful parent tutoring, we can help our growing children lay the foundation for more sophisticated and complicated social, emotional, and cognitive development as they mature into adulthood. We can take our growing children’s emotional experiences seriously and help them develop more effective habits and behaviors even as their friends and classmates gain more influence in their lives.  Three-year-old Sarah has just taken five-year-old Jack’s favorite toy and has run to her room to play with it alone. You’ve heard Sarah complain to you that she never gets to play with Jack’s remote control car, but she’s taken the toy without permission. You find Jack screaming and Sarah refusing to open her bedroom door for you or her brother. You understand Sarah’s feelings, but you also want to teach her respect for other people’s property. Here is a situation that demands teaching not only property rights, but also emotional understanding, perspective taking, empathy, and self-control. You will probably not choose to teach all of the skills at once, but instead of just focusing on property rights, you might want to consider teaching fundamental social and emotional skills, too.
In this post, we will focus on the developmental possibilities for preschool aged children (3-5 years old) to learn four identified social and emotional skills that undergird constructive conflict management. To better understand what and how to teach preschoolers, we continue investigating insights from Dr. Sandra V. Sandy's article entitled, “The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills: Preschool to Adulthood.” Sandy, Sandra V. 2014. “The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills: Preschool to Adulthood.” In Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice, edited by Coleman, Peter T., Morton Deutsch, and Eric C. Marcus, 430-463. San Francisco: John Wiley and Sons, Inc. Social-Emotional Pillars for Effective Conflict Resolution From Sandy’s article, we focus on just four essential social-emotional skills that serve as anchors for our children’s behavior in conflict situations. Parents can begin cultivating these essential skills in their children from a very young age. These four skills include: Emotional Understanding
Central Task for Social Learning Among Preschoolers: Emotional Maturation Sandy identifies emotional maturation as the most important task of early childhood. Additionally, Sandy says that “although children appear to have some level of innate capacity for certain social-emotional responses, such as empathy and perspective taking, these are frequently hit-or-miss skills unless the child is effectively tutored by an adult. Since interpersonal understanding is influenced more by experience than by age, a three-year old can be at a higher development level than a six-year old.” Parents and caregivers play a critical role in helping preschoolers develop these four essential skills. Before exploring developmental milestones related to each of these skills, we will briefly discuss keys to teaching preschoolers and present a few main reasons why children’s early learning years between 0-5 years old is so important in the grand scheme of social and emotional development. Keys to Teaching Preschoolers Conflict Resolution Skills
Why Focus on Teaching Constructive Communication Skills During Early Childhood (0 to 5 years old)?
Emotional Understanding As parents, we often demand that our children understand and respect other people’s feelings (including our own), but first our children need to be able to appropriately express and understand their own feelings. To develop the more sophisticated traits of perspective taking and empathy, we must first help our children understand and express their own emotions in constructive ways. This is the basis of all further emotional understanding and maturity. In terms of developing emotional understanding, Sandy identifies the following constraints in development:
Each of these points emphasize the need for specific, targeted teaching to our young children. We can help coach our children in the right direction while not expecting too much too soon from our young, developing people. Perspective Taking and Empathy In the past, child development theorists did not believe little children capable of empathy largely because they believed that children younger than six or seven are unable to see more than one side to a conflict. Theorists believed that without the ability to see beyond their own viewpoint, children could not take the perspective of another person or understand the feelings of another person. Yet, more modern research has suggested that young children are not only capable of perspective taking and empathy, but develop these abilities alongside a development trajectory. Yet, this trajectory is significantly associated with parent tutoring and child experience. As suggested previously, a young child of 3 may have developed greater empathy than a 6-year old based on parent involvement and constructive experience with empathy. In short, nurture significantly influences a child in this area of emotional development.
In terms of parenting per our children’s development, we should consider the following about general perspective taking abilities:
Rather than accuse our children of selfishness or egocentrism, we can gently, but deliberately, nurture the idea of diverse perspectives and feelings. In the meantime, while preschoolers’ brains needs time to mature, young children are very capable of imitating empathetic behavior. See Siddiqui and Ross (2004), Smith and Ross (2007), Ross and Lazinski (2014) for research on the potential for young children to take the perspective of another and to empathize through imitation of constructive parent and sibling conflict behavior. Self-Control Naturally, with surging emotions and expanding autonomy, preschoolers are in the thick of learning how to regulate their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. To better understand developmental constraints or milestones surrounding self-control, Sandy directly quotes Maccoby (1980) who identified four forms of self-control or inhibition milestones in childhood: Movement: Prior to age six or seven, children have difficulty in stopping an action already in progress. (Think calling a child to dinner during a favorite show on Netflix). Emotions: Before age four, young children have little control over the intensity of their emotions. (Think throwing a tantrum over burnt toast in the same manner as when the dog just died yesterday). Reflection: Before age six or so, children commonly fail to engage in the reflection necessary to perform well. (Think a negative sharing episode or a failed first bike ride). Gratification: Children under 12 often have difficulty in refusing immediate gratification to wait for a better choice later. (Think gorging on Halloween candy all at once rather than eating just one piece a day). As you can see, preschoolers are often not capable of self-regulating in the ways we desire for them. When we ask our preschooler to switch gears in the middle of a task, or stop crying over something small, we need to recognize that our children may not yet be developmentally capable of what we are asking of them. In patience, we can remind ourselves that our children may be trying the best they can so we need to take incremental steps to help them towards the overall goal of emotional maturity. As parents, we can certainly do our part and carefully consider the fact that these skills are often more influenced by experience rather than age. In short, we can step up and tutor our children in these most fundamental conflict resolution skills of emotional understanding, perspective taking, empathy, and self-control to help our children develop up to their full potential.  The Tendency to Focus Mostly on Academic Developmental Milestones
My six-year-old daughter, Lucie, is considered a “young” first grader because she was born in July 2010. While she enjoys many aspects of attending elementary school, she still struggles with learning to read and write; much more so than any of my other four children. When recently meeting with her teacher and her school’s reading specialist, I learned that while Lucie is now minimally proficient considering national averages, she will need extra work to get up to speed in reading. To facilitate Lucie’s reading development, each night, we pull out her special purple reading bag to review a few books along with various sight words she is required to memorize. The teachers assure me that memorizing sight words will help anchor her reading in greater comprehension without having to sound out each word one by one. During our nearly 30 minutes of reading together each night, I am spending direct energy in trying to help Lucie learn how to read and understand what she reads. At times, I must painfully wait as she sounds out a word during a space of 30-60 seconds, which feels like an eternity during a short story. She is making progress, but it is sometimes slow. Throughout her childhood, I know that Lucie will continue to be measured, graded, and monitored for her reading and writing skills. At school, teachers and specialists will make sure that she is moving along a steady development trajectory appropriate to her age and per national averages. At home, I will continue to take specific steps to help her meet her academic goals. In short, both at home and at school, important adults in Lucie’s life will be working to make sure that Lucie stays on track to reach important academic development milestones. The Need to Cultivate More Areas of Social, Emotional, and Cognitive Development As a society, we put a lot of effort into, and tend to be knowledgeable about, how to help our children keep up with cognitive developmental milestones in academic areas like reading or math. Yet, we are often much less informed and less knowledgeable about our children’s mental, emotional, and social development milestones related to conflict resolution. While we intuitively know these “soft” skills heavily influence our children and families’ well-being, we often do not directly teach them to our children at home or at school. Knowing these two facts that (1) we often lack adequate knowledge about our children’s important social, emotional, and cognitive milestones related to conflict resolution AND (2) we do not often teach these skills enough directly at home or at school, I have chosen to investigate the following two fundamental questions:
Sandy, Sandra V. 2014. “The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills: Preschool to Adulthood.” In Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice, edited by Coleman, Peter T., Morton Deutsch, and Eric C. Marcus, 430-463. San Francisco: John Wiley and Sons, Inc. This one article is packed with insights about preschool, middle childhood aged, and teenage children’s development related to conflict resolution. Given the amount of valuable parenting information in Sandy’s article, I will be writing several successive blog posts based on this one article. In today’s post, we will investigate the first question about what social, emotional, and cognitive skills serve as foundational skills for constructive conflict resolution. “Sight” Skills for Effective Conflict Resolution Like Lucie’s sight words which anchor her reading abilities, there are “sight” skills for resolving conflict, which will anchor our children’s behavior in conflict situations. Sandy identifies five essential skills that parents can begin cultivating in their children from a very young age:
Making these social and emotional skills solid, natural, and even automatic through habit, will definitely positively influence our children’s relationships throughout a lifetime. With these strong interpersonal skills, our children will be able to better handle the more complicated and stressful life experiences they will naturally encounter as they mature into adulthood. Alternatively, without reaching these important emotional milestones, our children “are at risk of retaining negative traits [such] as impulsivity, emotional functioning, behavioral problems, and even a propensity to violence.” All around us, and perhaps in our own homes, we are witnessing the need for helping our children develop their social and emotional abilities to effectively resolve differences with others. Often, we attribute our children’s emotional understanding, empathy, perspective taking, self-control, and relationship building skills primarily to temperament or personality. But, we need to consider these skills more in terms of developmental skills rather than personality attributes because they can be learned (or relearned) and are heavily influenced by our teaching. Children—especially young children—are extremely flexible in terms of social learning. The patterns we set early in our children’s lives lay the foundation for more complicated and sophisticated social behaviors that will evolve as our children mature. The Role of Nurture in Developing Children’s Mental, Emotional, and Social Skills and Abilities Considering the importance of conflict resolution skills over a person’s lifetime, we should carefully consider the fact that these skills are often more influenced by experience rather than age. Specifically, Sandy says that “although children appear to have some level of innate capacity for certain social-emotional responses, such as empathy and perspective taking, these are frequently hit-or-miss skills unless the child is effectively tutored by an adult. Since interpersonal understanding is influenced more by experience than by age, a three-year old can be at a higher development level than a six-year old.” While genetics has a role in our children’s development, Sandy affirms that nurture has a strong influence in any child’s life. In terms of social, emotional, and social development, experience often has a stronger influence than age in promoting child well-being and successful relationship building. This means that your parenting can make an enormous difference in how effectively your child develops these key skills related to conflict resolution. In the past child development experts, such as Piaget and Erickson, have talked about child development in terms of distinct phases that children pass through. In more recent years, child development specialists, consider children’s development more in terms of a spectrum that is heavily influenced by role models not only demonstrating skills, but also directly teaching interpersonal skills to even very young children. Why does understanding child development milestones matter to my parenting? We tend to parent differently when we understand important cognitive, emotional, and physical capabilities that differentiate preschoolers, elementary school-aged children, and teenagers. Rather than demand that our children immediately meet adult standards of behavior and thought, we can pace out our expectations for our children’s mastery of emotional understanding, empathy, perspective taking, self-control, and relationship building. As we better understand our children’s actual developmental possibilities, we will take the time and put the energy into cultivating our children’s development like my nightly reading with Lucie. With greater knowledge, we can teach age-appropriate skills and exercise more patience knowing that our children are still maturing cognitively, socially, and emotionally. With solid social and emotional skills, our children will eventually be able to deal with conflict in more sophisticated ways. Breaking down these skills into smaller pieces may help us not only model, but also directly teach how to empathize, regulate emotion, take the perspective of another person, exercise self-control, and build positive relationships with others. Upcoming Blog Post: Understanding Preschooler’s Developmental Abilities with Conflict Resolution Next week, we will continue exploring insights from Sandy's article and focus on the developmental possibilities for preschool aged children (3-5 years old) to learn the five-identified social and emotional skills that undergird constructive conflict management. |
Emily de Schweinitz Taylor
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